Monday, December 19, 2011

姐妹

I really envy friends who have younger siblings. Even more when they are so damn close that they hardly ever fight or quarrel.

I want a younger sister or brother like that as well. :'(

People always want something they can never have.

Same goes for me.


I have always yearn to have a sister who will:
Treat one another openly with respect, love, care and concern; listens to what I have to say, my rants, my problems & secrets; confide in me with her rants, problems & secrets; hardly have any quarrels or catfights at all; accompany me and go shopping the whole frigging day; roaming around places; want the best for each other...
The list could go on and on..

Well basically, 我只需要一个可以无话不说、爱我、关心我、了解我的妹妹。

Frankly, kinship/sisterhood hasn't been smooth sailing ever since we graduated from our secondary school. We weren't exactly as close as people thought we were.

Since young, I have always wanted to dress similarly. Unfortunately, the other half of mine, isn't a fan of that. She always wanted to stand out on her own, be Ms Independent.
Adding on to that, is that forever rebellious and the-more-you-want-it-the-more-you-won't-get-it, stubborn attitude of hers.

Can I say that I really really really (when I say something thrice, I really mean what I say) hate her when she turns into that stubborn and mocking-at-whatever-you-say-self. Feel like giving her one tight slap when that badass and 讲话不经过大脑的 sister appears.

Whenever I request/want her to do something, she won't be like the typical sister you commonly see along the street. What she will tell you is this:
"The more you want me to do something, the more I won't do it", at the totally inappropriate timings.

Been years ever since I am being called "姐姐"。Whenever my mom hears her calling my Chinese name, she will be like,"不可以这样叫。要叫姐姐。"

Calling me by my name isn't the worst.
Sometimes I get "Eh" or "Oi" too. As if I'm a stranger on the street.

As unimportant as she thinks it may be, I still would love to be called 姐姐。 It be of no difference to her or any other people, but to me, it IS significant.

Close friends should know that I'm super envious of C and Jiaxi. Four of us are quite similar in many ways, but yet, so different.
All the things that happened between them, can NEVER ever happen between us.
I know I shouldn't compare.
But.....
I can't help it....

"Why can they be so close with each other??" I often wondered.

Even friends who ain't twins, have a even stronger sisterhood than the both of us.

Why!?

Is it because people always tell her that she looks like the older sister?

Is it because she used to always standing up for me during our secondary school days when I keep getting picked on?

Is it because she simply just can't be bothered or gives a shit about us and that it's okay to quarrel almost everyday?

I don't know.

The more I say her, the more she finds me annoying and starts to ignores me.
As the days passed by, it's have became a habit of ignoring whatever she hears. Regardless whether it's me or my mom talking to her. Not answering questions seems to be a better solution in her opinion?

I scored an A in my Human and Mass Communication paper. How is that even possible when I don't even know how to communicate with my sister?
Not just sister, but my other half. An identical twin.
Someone that looks so much like me yet, completely different in every possible way.

We used to tell and update each other about our schedules when we get home.

But now?

What have we became?

Not a nod nor smile on your face or saying 'Hi'. Not even acknowledging each other's presence.
It's worse than how you would treat an acquaintance.

Yeah, I get that she got her own life and I have mine. But aren't our suppose to intercross?? We are blood related for goodness sake.

Relationships turn even more sour when Dad started working overseas. Mom lonely and in her late fifties = more nagging, which both of us can't take.

As much as I try to control my temper, there are times when I really can't take how my sister is treating my mom.

Matters worsen ever since she started filming and being attached.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not blaming Edwin here.

Perhaps, it's just my sister.
Each time she get herself emotionally attached to a boy, we are completely forgotten.

Frankly, if not for C (who is like the most filial son I have ever know/seen), I could have been the same too.
Love first, family second.

But hey! That shouldn't be the way!
Family should always be the first on the list.

Why?

Think about this.
Who will be the one there for you IF you lost your best friend, friends and boyfriend?

Family.

叫我一声姐姐真的有那么难吗?

Someone please return my Ahmuimui back to me. I really miss her..... :'(

I miss the us who held each others' arms while shopping together with our parents.

I miss the us who would spend the whole night not sleeping, just to chat (about anything and everything), even though we got to wake up early the next day. (I really treasure these moments as I know they ain't easy to come by nor do they occur often).

I miss the us who would stand together on one line and bicker with parents. (We were so 'powerful' then. 团结就是力量。)

I miss the us who would cry together whenever parents is scolding one of us.

I miss us.

I miss you, my Ahmuimui.
T_T

Sometimes I wonder what will it be like, if something ever happen to me and I have yet to have a chance to hear you call me in a nice sweet tone.
Will you regret? Will you feel sad at all?
有时我在想。。 若有一天我出了什么事,你再也没机会叫我一声姐姐,
你会感到后悔吗?



















These are just some of the thoughts. Am exhausted to continue typing on my phone. Gonna sleep now and give my best for TV and Radio production paper tomorrow.
Do pardon me if my English are all messed up.






























































If a bucket of tears is enough to bring her old self back, someone please let me know.
Cos I always have that bucket standing by.

Your sincerely with load of loves,
Your older than you by 5 minutes identical twin sister.

24 comments:

  1. People change, people evolve... ALL THE TIME... Especially now, since she has more things on her plate... Everyone wants to have an individual identity, why do you want to make her similar to you?

    However, I do agree with you that family comes first... But, have you ever consider that maybe your maturity is the result of you having an older boyfriend? Do not dismiss her actions as wrong or immature, she is just being 19/20...

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  2. Hey there (: cheer up!
    I totally get the part about respecting our parents. Cause my younger sister doesn't know what is respect at all! She treats her boyfriend first and family next, and my parents feel it too, just imagine how hurt they are!
    I'm giving her time to mature, let's hope time can correct them.
    Cheer up and God bless (:

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  3. cheer up.

    sometimes we don't always get what we want. i have 2 sisters and i'm not close to them thanks to having complete and different personalities. even though sisters are from same family and same upbringing, character still will differ even if you two are twins.

    what matters is that you do what is right, and hope some day she will change too :)

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  4. Whenever I request/want her to do something, she won't be like the typical sister you commonly see along the street. What she will tell you is this:
    "The more you want me to do something, the more I won't do it", at the totally inappropriate timings.

    omg! if i were u, i would totally feel like slapping her all the time! she's so annoying! i remember watching your sis and u on hotseat and i thought that she must be the more sensible one. but hell no, looks and appearance is deceiving. i am sort of like you. sometime in public, the way i behave is not my true character at all.

    on the appearance i might be happy and all, but deep down i've been trying to hard to prove myself. e.g. studied hard and manage to get into a local uni. Just to tell you that i've been a silent reader of yours and sometime i feel you when u mention that people are always comparing your sis and you. cos i know that deep down in our heart, there is always a neverending struggle trying to prove ourselves

    I've got 2 bigger sis and we never talk at all. it's kinda hard to imagine, but it's true. we were like strangers. my elder sis and my 2nd sis are always going out together having fun etc. and i'm always the one being left out. so i kinda envy your sis and you when you girls get to hang out together. that is something my sis and me will never do. so... since u're the more sensible one, dont give up and try to improve the r/s with your sis. treasure what u had =D one day she'll change for the better

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  5. frankly speaking, it's hard for your sis to change when her bf is edwin. he is simply too immature. as much as ppl wanna say not to judge a book by its cover, i've seen a lot of ppl like him in my life. from the way he blog and behave such a wannabe in photo, it is obvious he is not mature enough to lead your sis to care more about her family. edwin is still at the rebellious stage and doesn't even heel his parent's positive advice, how can he be someone mature?

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  6. to be honest as a younger sister. there's 2 possible reactions from her. 1) she'll feel guilty and want to become that little sis of yours.. 2) she'll get annoyed that you put your family matters up and feel really irritated.

    at some point of time i was like that too. i didn't felt the need to reply when my parents are talking to me. and similar to jayley i have that the more you boss me around the more i want to rebel attitude. even though i know it's unnecessary and feel really guilty afterward i can't help it.. i don't know why.. but i eventually grew out of it..
    at some point of time she'll realize her family is much more important to her.
    cheer up! (:

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  7. heyyy there cheer up!!

    although i don't have a twin sister, but i do have a friend who's been by my side at the lowest point of my life. she's even closer to me than my brother is. we've talked the whole night through, and she was the only one on my side when all my friends were not, like seriously, all of them. we've cried together, laughed together and there were absolutely no secrets.

    we were in the same cca, and because of a guy, i left the cca. she was really angry with me, even though she didn't say it. and afterwards, she just stopped talking to me. and i never made any effort to talk to her. we'd indirectly talk about each other on facebook, complain to friends. but we still wouldn't confront each other about it. so now, it's too late for any of us to reconcil again.

    i know it's different cz you guys are sisters. but i'd like to advice that no matter what happens, however angry and frustrated you are with her, try to talk it out with her. or one day, when the damage is too huge, you will really regret it, i'm pretty sure.

    take care and i hope you return to your cheerful side soon! <3

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  8. Have you heard of the idiom, "do not wash your dirty linen in public"?

    I don't see how things can improve between you and your sister by blogging.

    Save your sister some face.

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  9. to the above anonymous, this is utter rubbish. it's her blog, it's her space. so she can blog whatever she want. and she did not even list out specifically what are the "dirty linen". she merely generally talk about this issue as a whole.

    also, this is what make her blog special. a lot of blogs have been commercialized. very few bloggers would pen down their true or inner thoughts in a blog anymore. so the fact that she do so, this makes her blog special and different from other "super commercialized and lack of feeling's blog"

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  10. http://ohsofickle.blogspot.com/2011/12/wordy.html#comments

    does that construe as "washing dirty linen"?? i don't think so. bloggers who pen down their real feelings in a blog are getting rarer. and the readers who commented in tammy's blog can relate to her story and it inspire them. so instead of telling ppl not to wash their dirty linen in public, why not see this blog entry as a reminder to everyone that we should cherish kinship and applaud these bloggers for their courage to share their feelings with readers

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  11. i totally wanted to start tearing up when i read this post. i can TOTALLY relate to that . but trust me , i have a siblings relationship with my sister WAY WAY WORSE than what you are facing now . i know "cheerup" doesnt work .
    because sometimes, you might really need to take the first step , tear down the mask you have been putting on everyday. bring yourself to talk to her abt everything and how you feel . whether it ends up with you crying and tearing up just to tell her , just do it . jiaqi have feelings too . i believe she'll understand you if you really open up to her. i know its difficult and awkward to do so . but probably thats the only way to pull this relationship back . i've been through all these. but i am the younger one . i am one year younger than her and is 16 this year. all the best hayley ! <3

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  12. to blue:

    very true. she can blog whatever she want. but since her blog allows public to comment so i can comment whatever i want too.

    i understand that she values the relationship with her sister but i think her way of handling is wrong. especially so when she claims that sister is the strongheaded kind.

    my sister and i have our own share of disagreements as well. we hit and scream at each other over the smallest issues. but at the end of the day, someone has to set things right and say sorry first. even though you might not have been the one who's at fault.

    if that person really meant something to you, you will do anything to get him/her back. making time for that person even if he/she is busy. you definetly have to put in effort.

    anyway i am not judging whether she put in the effort or not. i wish her all the best for reconciliation.

    on a side note, please do not be so naive. most successful blogs are commercialized, i challenge you to find a blogger who does it for "passion" and not for money. (unless maybe he/she is rich and just wants to be famous)

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  13. with nuffnang and ads, every blogs are commercialized in a way or another. i'm all up for bloggers using blogs as a tool to earn some money. it's just that i think most blogs are too impersonal. it might be good that this blog still has a little personal touch.

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  14. Hi hayley , don't be too sad ~
    Why not cheer yourself up by adding another soft toy to your collection ? I saw a Scrump Soft toy @ Sengkang @ $18 only (: Its quite big too ! (:
    I thought of you when i saw it ! Since you're such a stitch loverr ! (:

    Xoxo

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  15. Hey , she will be back soon alright , i have a twin too , he's a guy and i'm a girl , wuarreling and beating up each other is th only way we communicate , well , t be honest , both of our situation is like 90% th same. Cheerup and kan kai yi dian alrights !(: Takecare.

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  16. Hello! I can assure you 100% she still loves you. Maybe she's going through a phase or just wants to branch out on her own. Show her some support. It's kind of an Inbuilt thing for people to always turn to family first. Give her some time and space and she will turn back to you. She still loves you maybe she wants to try something new. Will pray for you and know that you have many other friends and family you can count on :) <3

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  17. dont be sad dear. i feel like crying when i read your post because i feel it. <3

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  18. hi stitchy, actions speaks louder then words... i think from her actions she still do care for you.. like instances when she confront your bf when you all quarrel.. she is going through a period of new found fame and new found famous bf... hard on her... give her some time to find herself in this new platform.. she does care but doesn't say... truth is, she is still young... like you... usually after people start working and face the world, the cruel real world, then will bond better with siblings and family as you will know they mean the world to you.. time will tell... have faith in her..

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  19. hi there's up and lows in every relationship but everyone will always realixe that only blood related people will never turn their backs on you. i think she will realize that and please still feel blessed, i have two sisters and they're twins, they are soso close i wish i had a twin too, so cherish your twinnie, talk to her about how you feel and cheer up :)

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  20. Hayley, cheer up!! :) I've always thought Jayley is more sensible than you... but i doubt so now.. since her boyfriend's Edwin. I'm not trying to say anything about Edwin... i just think he's not matured enough too.

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  22. I am a younger sister in the household and I am guilty to admit that I am stubborn like that too. My family will always complain that I am not home often and they never get to know what I am doing outside of the house. I act in this way because most of the time, I feel neglected and unloved because I am constantly compared to my older sister. It sucks even more that my older sister is older, more mature and totally independent, so obviously, more favored.
    Maybe you can start by showing more care to her, and don't be impatient, because I believe that stubbornness is just a shield that she is putting on. As time goes, she probably will let you into her life bit my bit.

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